


Matt's Anthology

by To_Matt_Oh



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, mainly drafts and scenes and o/s that dont deserve their own work but i want to put out, the running challenge is guessing which characters i was venting and about what if you're hardcore, this is like that old binder with pieces of paper flying around every time you pull it out, triggers will be put in the summary of each chapter as to not clog this shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-07-29 05:59:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16258112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/To_Matt_Oh/pseuds/To_Matt_Oh
Summary: Just what the tags say: A compund of overly short/not enough quality stories that are piling up in my google docs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: Jared/Connor  
> Wordcount: 1236  
> Tags: First person narrative, cursing, death mention, implied self harm, coping, trauma, tobacco, gay

The garment hung uselessly among all the other shit in my closet, the dark color contrasting against the assorted colors and patterns on my clothes. Connor used to laugh at my borderline ridiculous taste in clothes, he thought that plain neutral colors are way more fashionable than crazy zig-zags and triangles that resemble bowling carpets, and he did had a point, however, it was his sister and only his sister who he could point at for references. And she skillfully combined her plain clothes with funky colors or patterns all the time either way, so I guess I was right too.

 

Now, not to be cheesy, but I guess Zoe was the perfect embodiment of how our relationship worked so well, Connor being the plain grays and blacks and denim, me being the bright neon and funny patterns. It worked. We had a balance. We were both bitter teenagers with more than a handful of issues and difficult personalities, but we both had our little quirks that made it all more tasteful, more manageable, you couldn’t talk about one side without using the other as a reference.

 

It was fun.

I loved him.

 

And I mean it! It’s not like when I tell Evan shit like ‘I love you, dude… Love you to get out of my way, dude!’, no. Well I mean, I did told him shit like that, but he would always have a snarky comment or light object to throw back my way, or pull/push me into the couch and hold me hostage until I apologized and made out with him.

 

Yeah, I miss him.

There were smarter things I could’ve done at that moment, but I had already zoned out thinking about my ex-fucking-boyfriend, so I took it, I pulled it over my head and snuggled in bed, knees against my chest and face buried in the coarse fabric.

It smelled like him so clearly, I was afraid about what would I do when it faded. 

I had thought about using the same fancy hypoallergenic soap Momma Murphy used on their clothes, maybe spraying it with the same deodorant, but no, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Connor was complicated.

He never used fabric softener because he said it was too much effort to time the cycles of the machine, that he disliked the smell, it would give him light rashes too, the skin of his neck and arms covering on a bright red and scabs, because he would just keep scratching it. 

He didn’t used cologne either, and he always bought the exact same Old Spice deodorant.

He was pretty sensitive to smells, but that never stopped him from smoking. I remember waiting in the car outside 7/11, blasting whatever emo album I found laying around his car until he got the damned ones he liked better. Usually fancy ones with a smell capsule you would pop to mitigate the gross tobacco flavour. He liked the ones with two of them, and yeah I’ll admit that the sight of him smoking death incense was somewhat hot, but I’ll attribute that one to both of us being pretty stupid regarding the health and hotness relationship. I know he did burn a couple holes on his clothes when he zoned out and the ashes would slowly curve down until gravity did its job.

But he also smelt like his shampoo, and sweat, and moss, probably some of my own smell too.

I couldn’t replicate that with just laundry soap, and I sure as hell can’t tell him to wear it again and give it back to me once it stinks like him.

I sighed, and the feeling of tears forming on the back of my throat made me choke a cough.

I remember crying against his chest, he would press me close, his forearm on my head, and he would pat my head softly. I had never been embraced like that, and it had somehow became a thing for us. Deep down I’m sure he had never embraced anyone like that either, it makes he miss him more, but my arms wrapped around my head just aren’t the same.

Our relationship had a lot of tears.

Good tears, bad tears, my tears, his tears, our tears. So many tears.

It makes me wonder if Connor is crying too, if he feels bad because he lost me, but that’s ridiculous, it’s just the most ridiculous thing I can think of, because Connor, my Connor, probably would’ve hesitated, he would’ve held my hand and hugged me, and told me he didn’t wanted this, either. 

He would’ve come back for his hoodie, his favorite hoodie, the one I had to steal myself because he was basically growing inside it, and it was a little too big for him, a little too long, and a little too gross too. But he looked so handsome, I really liked it when he wore it out in our dates, even if it had white stains of milk and it smelt like an old car parked in the sun of Arizona at noon.

I liked to wear it because maybe his confidence would rub on me, the confidence he radiated, or maybe I idealized him. Maybe it would rub on me. Maybe I could look just as good, I felt just as good.

Sleeping with his hoodie was like hugging him all night.

Still, if I’m honest, if had got the chance to choose I would’ve chosen to keep him, or a kiss. I would’ve been happy with just a kiss. And yet, I kept his hoodie. Old, stinky hoodie, no one could bare seeing it except us two it seems.

And then my stomach churns, and I feel scammed. I feel robbed. I thought Connor would be The One. I really wanted Connor to be The One.

We had talked about sharing apartments, and who would make breakfast (him) and who would corner the other on the sink and kiss him until the smoke detectors went off (me, although we knew it would be a little complicated to stand on my toes for so long), and how everyone in town would know how utterly  _ gay _ we were, and how we would help little kids come to terms about how gay they were when they saw us at starbucks shamelessly flirting with each other. And he gave up suicide and I gave up cutting.

And I remember the half year he stayed in rehab, and the sparse months he went back because we were both  _ so scared. _ And how dare he make me feel all sappy and corny and get my hopes up about college and then just- just  **_crush me_ ** like that?!

And I just really want to throw up, because I keep chewing on the strings of his hoodie, and it’s probably gross, and I keep taking it to school, and because Evan has become so desperate for me to get over him that I’m sure this is the last straw of our friendship, but I just  _ can’t! _

It makes me feel sick to wait for the bell to ring, and for him to just show up ‘Hey, give me my hoodie back, this is insane, you can’t keep using it like it’s yours, and taking it to school.’ I’m just waiting.

He would’ve come back for his hoodie.

But he just went and crashed his car.


	2. Bullshit pyramid and how did we get here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is drunk. So Is Connor. What can go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Connor/Jared  
> [ Rating:](https://ppc.fandom.com/wiki/Citrus_Scale) Lime  
> Words: 788  
> Warnings: Alcohol use and abuse (I think they're 18-19, so under legal age? Not in my country)

Jared was drunk. 

Alright he was more than a little wasted and anyone standing less than a mile away could tell with less than a look.

It had escalated a bit too quick for his taste; first it was just some banter, one beer after the other, with something like six beers in well under half an hour he got cocky. “You know, alcohol hardly ever does me more than tickles” he sputtered earning a snicker from the guy he was dancing with. Someone pulled out a deck of cards and someone else suggested playing bullshit pyramid and everyone screamed a yes.

The music was loud and upbeat and in a matter of minutes Jared had the word on the last card. He chuckled, unsure of who to nominate for dreaded shot. “Well… I say Connor!” Everyone laughed and Connor gave him a playful look as he turned the card. A 3 of spades.

“Anyone gonna save me?” He looked around with a smirk. He started counting backwards, Jared thought he was being hopeful, and then both their smiles vanished.

“They’re all here!” A girl, whose name he thought was Chloe yelled, ponting at one stack of two cards from when she was saved and then a lonely 3 from when everyone ‘refused’ to save someone else.

Connor’s smile melted so comically that Jared couldn’t help but snicker.

“I guess it’s mine then.” He resigned as everyone started to chant.

“Shot! Shot! Shot!” Jared joined.

“Cheers bitches.” And downed the cursed drink a grimace following suit. He pointed at Jared as he settled the cup down. “You’re gonna pay for this.” He grinned again.

Jared chuckled, and thus a brand new game started. Jared saved a couple people, eyed the giant Tequila bottle on the table and was amazed with the discovery that it was literally 10 times stronger than some of the beers they had been drinking.

The last card arrived, everyone was counting down on the Chloe girl when Connor slapped down the last 5 card. Everyone ooed.

“Who’s it for?” Someone asked.

Connor acted like he was thinking about it a lot, bringing his hand to hold his chin and looking around at everyone. WIth the blatant dramatization it shouldn’t have surprised Jared that much when he smirked and looked at him with most vengeful glare one could muster. “Jared!”  
Another amused chorus of ooing.

He downed it of course, not before raising it on the air and inclining it towards Connor. “Cheers!” He gleamed, promptly discovering how bad it burned down his chest. He understood the guy’s reaction, but tried not to let it show too much. “We’re even now.”

They both stopped playing shortly afterwards, mostly because the group couldn’t decide how they were going to play with two decks.

Jared skittled to the dance floor after the dude, mostly seeking to start a conversation and honestly hoping to turn it to the flirtatious side, but that wasn’t to be expected, right? Right.

“That revenge tho.” He chittered.

Connor rolled his eyes already having started to dance to the music. “I wouldn’t had slept tonight had I let you get away with that.”

He chuckled, making some more chatter, a few jokes and next thing he knew, he had a pair of hands and lips feeling up his body, and also he was crumpled inside a tub with Connor on top of him. Connor was pulling at every last thread he found on him, and of course Jared was a big panting and moaning mess. And he was just in base 2 for fucks sake!

He would have been ashamed of the was he was shaking if it wasn’t because every now and then he would accidentally tighten his grip on Connor’s locks, and the resulting noises were more than lovely and delightful. He could smell the heavy liquor on every pore of Connor’s skin, as well as his own, he could clearly taste it in his mouth, it was like drinking weed and Vodka, and even if it wasn’t it tasted sweeter, angelic.

Connor mumbled some curse before slipping his hand under Jared’s shirt, but his voice alone, somber and breathy, would be enough to make him come undone without much help. Maybe Jared Kleinman had a bit of a voice kink?

“Cool down will ya! You two’re a bit too hot in there!” Some obviously drunk girl cackled and then shortly after the door smashed. The muffled sound of the music suddenly came back to the atmosphere.

The cold spray of the shower made Connor jerk away with a curse, allowing the water to hit Jared’s face at once. Now this was going to be hard to explain to his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof long time no see. You can follow me on Tumblr as to-matt-oh-art to see my stuff or as to-matt-oh-art to see what I'm up to ig (spoiler: memes and social justice)


End file.
